9 Parts of Speech and the F-Word

Originally written as homage to the nine parts of speech for National Punctuation Day, this post has been brought out of the archives due to popular demand.

Warning: while in the pursuit of education, we sometimes fall short of good taste as in the case of this post wherein one expletive has been explored in its various manifestations within the context of English language usage. From the Peevish Penman archives 2010.

Indeed, some people weren’t paying attention during grammar school and missed their opportunity to learn the nine parts of speech. Many of them were busy hurling expletives at their instructors or paying attention to what the members of the opposite sex were occupied doing instead. In order to remedy these gaps, these vast chasms in their educational attainment, one of the Peevish Penman editors has put together a lesson plan catering to their diverse interests.

On a related note, we will also be proving definitively that one word in the English dictionary can in fact be used to fill each and every one of the nine parts of speech and that word is fuck.

NOUNS:

A noun is a word used to name something: a person/animal, a place, a thing, or an idea. For example: What a fucker. The word fucker is the noun. There are many different types of nouns. Nouns can be singular or plural.

for fuck’s sake vs. stupid fucks

In this example, when we ask the question for whose sake the answer is for fuck, which denotes a single individual rather than many as in many stupid fucks. Nouns can be common or proper.

What a fuck vs. He is the Fuck of all fucks

Proper nouns are capitalized as you can observe. Nouns can also be concrete or abstract. A dumb fuck would an example of a concrete noun, because the noun in question is a tangible person with a physical existence whereas the word fuck in the question who the fuck does not relate to any material object of a known size shape or quantity and is therefore abstract as an idea like justice or perspicacity.

Nouns can also be gerunds, which generally end in “ing.” Please note that this applies only when the word fills the role of a noun and not “ing” verbs, which are often preceded by the word am. In this example the word fucking functions clearly as a noun: Fucking is fucking fine. And here it does NOT: He/she is fucking.

PRONOUNS:

Another important part of speech is the pronoun. They are words that replace nouns and eliminate the need for repetition. The most common way to employ the word fuck as a pronoun is by determining which noun is being replaced and adding the word that in front of fuck.

In the sentence John went to the bakery and bought a loaf of bread, we simply have to replace John with a word. He went to the bakery… is the most common choice of pronoun, but as our language shifts to reflect the changing times it is becoming increasingly more common to see the word he passed over in favor of the following example:

That fuck went to the bakery and bought a loaf of bread.

In this situation the pronoun is a personal pronoun that replaces the subject of the sentence. Personal pronouns may be subjects, objects, or possessives. It is also a demonstrative pronoun because it indicates a noun.

Q: Which fuck?

A: That fuck.

Reflexive pronouns name a receiver of an action who is identical to the doer of the action. One example of a sentence without the use of a pronoun would be Jennifer walked her dog all by Jennifer’s self today. This repetition is cumbersome and problematic, but easily solved with a reflexive pronoun. Indeed it’s more effectively expressed by substituting Jennifer’s self with a reflexive pronoun such as herself or by saying:

Jennifer walked her dog all by her own fucking self today.

Indefinite Pronouns refer to non-specific persons and things as in: Bruce and Sonali kissed one a-fucking nother.

Interrogative pronouns introduce questions such as: Who the fuck? Which fuck? What fucker? How the fuck? Whose fucking? To whom the fuck?

It can, of course, be argued that these examples of interrogative pronouns do not employ the word fuck in a distinct and necessary manner; however the fact that each statement can and does regularly stand alone as a question proves its independence from other parts of speech. Each forms a complete question requires no other words to make sense and solicit a sensical response. Even more, in today’s language use, it is common to forgo the formal distinctions between these previous examples for an all encompassing:

Fuuuuuuuck?!

Often used when someone wants the answer to the question, but knows they’re not going to get it. In this case it is most appropriate to draw out the “u” sound for emphasis that it is not an interjection, another important but distinct part of speech.

Relative pronouns introduce dependent clauses and refers to a person or thing already mentioned in the sentence (i.e. the antecedent). e.g whoever the fuck, whomever the fuck, which fucking, that fuck…. The concept can be further applied for this sort of pronoun.

ADJECTIVES:

An adjective modifies (describes) a noun or pronoun.

What a fucking fuck.

They can form comparisons, normally preceded by more or be used to form superlatives, commonly expressed with the word most as in:

That was more fucked up than anything I’ve ever seen.

That was the most fucked up thing I have ever seen.

VERBS:

Verbs generally express action or a state of being. There are several classifications for verbs- action verbs,/linking verbs, main verbs/auxiliary verbs, transitive/intransitive and phrasal verbs. Probably the word fuck began as a verb; although, the etymology of the word has been debated and somewhat unclear as writers, editors, and publishers neglected using the word prior to the advent of the internet.

Main verbs stand alone as in: Fuck him/her.

The verb tense in the previous sentence is called imperative and expresses a command. Auxiliary verbs, also called helping verbs, serve as support to the main verb.

My ex-boyfriend just fucking draws all day.

Verbs can be transitive or intransitive. Transitive Verbs require a direct object in order to make sense to the listener or reader: Hassan fucks up. Means nothing without an object such as everything: Hassan fucks up everything.

Intransitive Verbs do not need direct objects to make them meaningful. For example: Sarah fucks. In this case we do not need any clarification as to what Sarah fucks in order to ascertain that she is not chaste.

ADVERBS:

An adverb is a word that modifies an action verb, an adjective or another adverb.

He/she is fucking fucked.

In this case fucked is the noun, which fucking modifies.

Relative adverbs introduce questions and dependent adverbial clauses. They answer the questions fuck when? and fuck where?

Fuck when I had to go get my car fixed…

Again it is important to distinguish between the usage in the previous sentence and when it is used as an interjection. The way we can tell that fuck is not being used as an interjection depends on a combination of the speed at which the person uses the word and punctuation. The same sentence punctuated differently would transform fuck into an interjection: Fuck! When I had to go get my car fixed… This sentence reads differently and is pronounced differently, because the word fuck functions differently.

CONJUNCTIONS:

There are seven coordinating conjunctions: For fucking, And fucking, nor fucking, but fucking, or fucking, yet fucking, so fucking.

Keisha eats ham sandwiches but fucking Mike prefers tuna.

Without the words but fucking, the sentences would be separated as: Keisha eats ham sandwiches. Mike prefers tuna.

In this case fucking could precede Mike as an adjective that describes him, but it does not have to do so. Always consider the writer or speaker’s intent. If fucking Mike is not something the speaker would normally use in their expressions but but fucking is a common feature, the word fuck has most certainly been employed by the person to join two sentences and therefore formed and integral part of a conjunction.

Correlative conjunctions also join ideas, but they work in pairs. They are: Both fucking…and fucking, neither…fucking nor, fucking whether…or, either fucking…or, not fucking only…but fucking also.

PREPOSITIONS:

Prepositions are words that, like conjunctions, connect a noun or pronoun to another word in a sentence. The easiest way to determine whether or not a word is a preposition is with the phrase:

Anywhere a mouse can go…

But more often we compile lists to gain a clearer view of what words function together as prepositions. Some common prepositions: About, Before, Down, Into, Through, Above, Behind, During, Like, To, Across, Below, Except, Of, Toward, After, Beneath, For, Off, Under, Among, Beside, From, On, Up, Around, Between, In, Over, With, At, By, Instead of, Since, Without, and Fuck.

Q: So, where’s the mouse?

A: Fuck if I know.

ARTICLES:

Articles are the, a, an, and fuck.

As you can see the article the is virtually interchangeable with the word fuck:

The face sees its reflection in the mirror.

Fuck face sees its reflection in the mirror.

INTERJECTIONS:

Interjections are words used to express emotional states. They can usually be found in narrative writing, interviews, and in spoken English. They can stand alone. As we’ve previously alluded that would be:

Fucking awesome!

Here’s a poem to help you remember them all:

THE NINE PARTS FUCKS OF SPEECH

Three little words fucks you often see,
Are articles– a, an, and the.

A noun‘s the name of anything
As school, garden, hoop fuck, or swing.

An Fucking adjectives tell the kind of noun-
Great, small, pretty, white, or brown.

Instead of nouns the pronouns stand-
Her head, his face, your arm fuck, my hand.

Verbs tell of something to be done,
To read To fuck, sing, jump, or run.

How things are done fuck the adverbs tell,
As slowly, quickly, ill, fucked up, or well.

Conjunctions join words together,
As in men and fucking women, wind or fucking weather.

The prepositions stand before
A noun, as at or through the the fucking door.

The interjection shows fucking shows surprise,
As ah FUCK! How fucking pretty- Oh FUCK! how wise.

The whole fucks are called fucked nine parts fucks of speech fuck,
Which Fuck reading fucking, writing fucking, speaking fucking teach fuck.

 

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